The Secret Diary of Kyo Sohma
by maybethedreamisdreamingus
Summary: Kyo's journal... What can I say? KyoxHaru. WARNINGS: Yaoi, OOCness and bad jokes...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. Though I'd like to own Haru-kun … not that it would make much difference if I did own him, he's the fruitiest one in the basket… Oh wait, no, I forgot about Ayame, and he definitely takes the fruitcake.

Warnings: Yaoi. Not right now, but probably later. Implicated yaoi all the way through. KyoxHaru, so if you don't like it you can lump it. Also, so OOC for the most part it isn't funny, except that it is funny, because this is a humor fic.

The Secret _Journal _of Kyo Sohma

Greetings pathetic and puny world, my name is Kyo Sohma, and if you are reading, you are about to die. Because I will kill you. Because you should not be reading _my private journal. _(Yes, that's right, journal. Not a diary. Only girls write diaries and I am _not _a girl, unlike a certain prat of a rat I know.) As for the logic involved in writing something that nobody will ever read, that will be ignored for the time being.

So then, if you're reading this (which you shouldn't be) then you probably want to know something about me. Like, shit, I dunno. How about ye olde likes and dislikes list?

Things that I despise with every measure of my being.

Leeks

Yuki

Momiji's voice

Yuki

Kagura's hugs

Yuki

Things I adore with all my heart.

Chocolate (but don't tell Kagura).

Tohru's rice balls

Beating Yuki to a pulp (a guy can dream right?)

Screwing Haru – no! – I mean screwing with Haru – No wait, that's not it either! – Beating Haru to a bloody pulp! Yes! That's the one!

-sweatdrop-

-Ahem- Anyway. I'm on the roof. Hiding from Kagura. And getting away from the disturbing and somehow aggravating sight of Haru batting his eyelashes at Yuki (although only in the most masculine of ways of course). How can anyone possibly be attracted to that girly jackass!? It actually makes me feel physically ill … I mean what can Haru possibly see in him? Haru is much too good for the rat. Not that Haru's any good, I mean! Not that I'd know if Haru was any good! Only Yuki has a chance of finding that out… Oh god … there's a mental image I didn't need in my life … Haru and _Yuki _… eurgh…

"Kyo-kun!"

Oh dear god. She's here.

"Kyo-kun, Yuki-san said I might find you up here!"

Note to self: Kill Yuki and hang his entrails from the washing line.

Oh, and tell Tohru we're out of milk.

"Oh Kyo-kun, you're cut! Someone hurt you!"

"That was you, Kagura."

"And you're lip! You're lip is bleeding too!"

"Also you."

"Let me nurse you back to health!"

"No!"

"I'll heal you, darling Kyo!"

"Get away from me!"

Have fled rooftop. Damn woman, driving me off _my _rooftop! Is nothing sacred anymore!? Right, now I need somewhere new to hide. Aha! The bathroom! I can lock myself in the bathroom!

-_slam-  
-lock-_

Sanctuary.

"Kyo, do you mind? I'm in the middle of my shower."

Oh god. Haru. In the shower. Ergo without clothing.

"DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU TO LOCK THE DOOR!?"

"_Kyo-kun! Where are you Kyo-kun?"_

I guess this is what they call being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Somehow, Haru's nudity is less fearful right now then Kagura's glomphing.

"Hide me! Please hide me!"

"Hide yourself, baka-neko."

At least he's put on a towel … but that doesn't change the fact that I've now seen all the proof in the world that his white hair is indeed natural. I think I'll be scarred for life.

"_Kyo-kun!" –knock knock- "Are you in there my love?"_

Haru, the stupid cow, unlocks the door and opens it, revealing an ecstatic Kagura, an amused Yuki and a highly concerned Tohru.

"Oh, Yuki!" Haru has flushed right down to his thin shoulders. It's quite becoming of him really, the colour in his usually frozen cheeks. I mean, as an objective viewer I can see he looks like less of an ice statue when he blushes, and I mean that simply as a totally platonic and objective comment, just in case you were getting any repulsive thoughts in your dirty mind…

Yuki is, of course, still completely oblivious to how Haru acts around him. But then, one wouldn't expect him to notice anything else when Tohru's in the room. Perverted rat.

Oh yeah, Yuki, I'm supposed to be killing him. Unfortunately there seems to be another obstacle in my way before I can exterminate the rodent.

"Kyo-kun! Why were you hiding from me!? Don't you love me any more!?"

"I've never loved you! Why can't you get that through your thick skull!?"

That may have been a mistake…

"Too bad! You have to love me!"

…oh god, the pain, oh god, the unholy pain…

"Why is everyone always breaking my house?"

"Shigure, shut up and help me up."

"Are you going to ask nicely?"

"No."

"Well then you can stay on the floor."

Fine. The ground is comfortable here anyway.

* * *

Cliiiiiiiiiiiiicky the buuuuuuuuuutton!!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Bleh.

A/N: For my fellow Westlaker's reading, yes, the Kaiwaia high third floor toilets are based on the infamous Westlake boys' F block toilets... XD

The Secret _Journal _of Kyo Sohma

Damn Kagura. Goddamn madwoman, I think she broke every bone in my body. Damn Yuki, telling her where I was hiding, how did he know where I was hiding anyway!? Damn Shigure and his unhelpfulness. Damn Haru and damn his nakedness…

I swear, the next one of them to walk through that door will be beaten within an inch of his worthless life.

"Kyo, what are you doing on the floor?"

Haru.

"Because, this is where Kagura threw me, you stupid cow! Do you think I _enjoy _spending time in the ruins of the screen door!?"

"Well you seem to spend a fair amount of time doing so."

"Watch you tongue Haru! Or you might just find yourself spending some time being kicked from here to kingdom come!"

"Oh, you want to fight? Well bring it on bitch!"

Black Haru, good I need a decent brawl right now.

_-smack-_

Ah, the venting of built up rage has never felt to sweet…

_-thunk-_

Ow … Right, now it's on.

…hmm, I think Haru's gotten better, he's actually landing a few punches … ow, my ribs…

… ok, no, it was just that I was tired and he wasn't…

"Oh come on, at least _try_ and hit me!"

Pff … it's no fun if I win too easily.

"Come on, come and get me!"

"You'd like that wouldn't you?"

Ugh … Haru always gets so dirty minded when he's black … time for my good friend sarcasm to make an entrance.

"Oh yes Haru-kun, I confess, I want you so bad."

"Well all you have to do is ask nicely."

He pushed me onto the couch! Argh! I'm being raped by a cow!

"Get the hell off me Haru!"

"Just admit that you want me!"

Shit. He's close. His lips are dancing very close to mine and his dark, mocking eyes fixed to mine. And he's very close.

"All you have to do is ask neko-chan."

"I – I – uh - "

Haru's eyes have suddenly widened with shock.

"What the hell?"

He's white again. Perfect timing.

"Kyo, what the hell is going on?"

"Your black side tried to rape me!"

"No way! I've got better taste than that!"

"Just get off me."

"Fine by me, baka-neko."

He sauntered out of the room, leaving me to find a brick wall to bash my head against. Damn hormones. Why is it that being a teenager makes you want to french kiss anything with a pulse that comes within reach? Gender optional! Even Haru for gods sake!

Aha!

A brick wall!

* * *

Yuki dies. That's it, he's going to die. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Also, another point: doesn't Haru have his own home to go to? Why did he have to spend the entire weekend here?

…oh yeah, because Momiji dragged him along…

Damn drugged bunny.

He dies too.

So, we were eating lunch, six of us around the table, and Momiji pipes up all faux-innocent:

"Kyo, what were you and Haru-kun doing on the couch?"

Yuki choked and sprayed miso all over the table, Shigure looked up so fast he cricked his neck and Tohru looked curious, though it was clear she had not yet grasped the full implications of the statement.

"Why do you ask that, Momiji-chan?" Tohru asked, brows furrowing in curiousity "Were they doing something unusual?"

Yuki began to cough loudly in what appeared to be an attempt to lift miso from his lungs. Shigure sweatdropped. I felt the need to defend my honour.

"He was trying to rape me!"

"In your dreams baka-neko!"

"In my nightmares maybe!"

"If I was going to rape anyone, Kyo, it would certainly not be you."

At this Yuki paled slightly, apparently the rat had caught on. But I figured there was no harm in spelling it out, and anyway, it would make Haru squirm.

"Yeah Haru-kun, we all know you want to screw Yuki."

Actually, it was fairly entertaining to watch Yuki squirm too. As for Haru … he turned black again. And punched me. He punches like a girl though. Come to think of it, him and Yuki would make a great couple, Haru fights like a girl and Yuki looks like one.

Soon after that, Hatori came to collect Haru and the pesky little bunny; and here come the crux of the matter. Haru was still black, and, having vented his anger, he'd moved onto the nymph-Haru stage of Black Haru, and saw fit to murmer his goodbye into my ear.

"Until next time, neko-chan, and next time, I'll win."

Now, most people would see this as a promise of violence, but somehow Haru managed to make 'neko-chan' sound like some kind of perverted term of sexual affection… And then he farewelled Yuki by tossing him a kiss from his fingertips, and Yuki _blew one back! _What the hell!? Yuki was _flirting _with Haru! I just don't get it, what's his game? 'Cause I'm pretty damn sure he's not gay, the prince of Kaiwaia high school doesn't just have fangirls, and there's no curse to stop him taking advantage of that. And yet I've seen him anywhere near the third floor toilets. And anyway, even if he was gay, he's never responded to Haru's advances before, and there's been a fair amount of them. So what's he up to? But then I had a Moment of Realisation. Yuki thinks there's something going on between me and Haru, and now he's flirting with Haru in a deliberate attempt to make me jealous!

That damn rat! I'll kill him!

* * *

My life is not complete until you click that little button... 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda…

A/N: Thanks to reviewers **seto'swifey****, mystic, ****KittiKat16****, Coco**, **Retardetto**, **Dragons Crimson Tears** and **Thera90**! That is if you haven't given up waiting, I know, I know, I promised I'd update, but then school and life came crashing in on me in a very big and noisy way unexpectedly (it can be sneaky like that) and suddenly there was no time for the writing of fanfiction. But I'm baaaaaack, I've extricated myself from that damn annoying 'real life' and I have a chapter for you!

Warning: bad characterization follows, because I decided I'd rather have funny scenes then realistic ones. So you can't flame me for it, I've given you fair warning…

The Secret _Journal _of Kyo Sohma

Argh. School. Why do I come here? To learn a pile of stuff I _don't care about _and spend time with a bunch of people I _don't like. _Most of my classmates are idiots, except for Yuki who is beyond idiot and into the realm of 'complete and total wanker', and Tohru, who I suppose isn't that bad really, when she's not apologising for things she didn't do, or trying to convince me to be friends with Yuki. But her friends are just plain creepy.

And then there's the girls. Prince Yuki's _fangirls. _They hang around him like flies around a particularly pungent pile of crap; an appropriate analogy really, seeing as he is so full of shit. And they're always _giggling. _The sound itself will soon drive me mad. But today's Yuki-fan episode really took the cake.

Lunchbreak, and Tohru oh so sweetly suggested that we pay a visit to dear cousin Haru and dear cousin Momiji, and Yuki oh so sweetly agreed. Yuki spent the entire time doing his absolute best to aggravate me, fluttering his feminine lashes at Haru, and Haru _blushing _in response… And Yuki smirking as he watched me grow more and more aggravated. Damn rat, even when he's _wrong _about what he thinks will annoy me, he still manages to do it in such a way that's completely infuriating! AND THEN just as the bell rang and we stood to head back to class, Yuki executed his most devious attack yet, as he said goodbye, he leaned over to the cow and _kissed him on the cheek!_

And despite the fact that Yuki was totally incorrect in the thought that it would make me _jealous, _the intended insult still made me _furious. _So I punched him.

Unfortunately, we had all failed to notice the collection of stalkers who were standing a few feet away, watching over their precious Prince Yuki…

"_You injured the prince!"_

"_You seduced the prince!"_

I turned to Haru, my fellow victim it seemed, of the Prince Yuki fanclub, only to see a flash of black and white hair disappearing round the corner. Seeing the logic of this action, I took after him.

So that's how I ended up here. Hiding in a broom closet. With brooms. And mops. And Haru. And he's elbowing me in the back!

"Can't you keep your unnaturally bony elbows to yourself?!"

"I'm not elbowing you. And anyway, it's a somewhat confined space in here as you may have noticed, it's hardly my fault if my body parts get in your way."

"You _are _elbowing me! And it _is _your fault for having such supernaturally bony elbows."

"I am not elbowing you!"

"Then what's sticking in my back?"

"That's a broom handle, Kyo."

"Oh."

"Now shut up or we'll be found."

"What if I don't want to shut up?"

"Well then you're an idiot. But I suppose that's stating the blatantly self-evident."

"Do you want me to kick your ass!?"

"Be quiet, they'll find us!"

Uh oh. Haru's getting ticked off … should probably try to avoid further annoying him as being trapped in a broom closet with Black Haru is not really what I need right now…

"Haru, relax."

"Then you be quiet!"

"You can't tell me what to do!"

Oh damn. That's done it.

"Oh, but I beg to differ," Haru's lips twisted into a sneer "you seem like the kind of guy who likes being told what to do to me."

Oh even better … violent!Black Haru I can deal with, but perverted!Black Haru … ugh…

"I think you'd have a very hard time trying to get me to anything with you, Haru."

"Oh yes, definitely, a very _hard _time."

Oh great, and he brings out the bad-pun-innuendos too! Aren't I just the luckiest catboy alive!

There really is not enough room in this closet. He's leaning over me with his hands resting on the wall behind my head.

"This is a serious invasion of my personal space."

"Well neko-chan, I could be even more invasive if I wanted to."

"No. Because that's illegal."

"There's nothing wrong with a bit of fun!"

"There's a lot wrong with non-consensual one-sided fun!"

"Stop lying to yourself neko-chan, you want it really, I can see it in your eyes."

What can he see?! What's in my eyes?! Apart from broom closet dust? Nothing! A look of fear, perhaps. Nothing else! What the hell is he talking about?

"What are you so scared of, neko-chan?"

"You!"

"Well then, what could I do to alleviate your fears?"

"Get the hell away from me!"

He's laughing at me! A deep mocking chuckle, rising from his chest and dancing in his lips.

"Silly cat. Why would I do that?"

What the hell is he doing? He's going to – holy fuck!

…

Rational thought just got suspended for a little while, but it's back now. And reminding me that _that _is Haru's tongue. What the fuck? I should have a more adverse reaction to this situation shouldn't I? What with the whole being kissed by a guy thing.

…but he is a really good kisser ... so ... intense...

Suddenly the kiss softens, no longer the invasive, passionate thing it was, but suddenly sweet, soft. And then he draws back.

"Kyo, what just happened?"

Dammit. He turned white again … but he hasn't taken his hands from where they're now lying across my chest. Come to think of it, I haven't moved mine either, I'm not even sure when they lifted up to wrap around his slim waist. I quickly drop the offending hands to my sides.

"I don't damn well know! Get the hell out of my way so I can get out of this goddamn closet!"

"Are you sure they're gone?"

"I don't really care anymore."

That more then anything was a mark of the seriousness of the situation, Haru stepped away. I tried to open the door and extricate myself from the closet, but brooms and Haru's legs got in the way and I ended up falling out of the closet and sprawling on the floor.

"Kyo! Are you ok?"

"Tohru, what are you doing here?"

"I was waiting for you and Haru to come out of the closet." The girl responded, cheerfully unaware of the irony of her statement. She then turned on Haru, to inform him that Momiji had decided that they would be coming to dinner tonight, but as she spoke he was already striding down the hallway, his eyes shadowed under his mop of white, and he only acknowledged Tohru with a vague wave of his hand without turning.

"Is he ok?" she asked me.

"How the hell would I know?" I responded.

"Sorry! I just thought – that because – you might – sorry-"

"You really don't need to apologise so damn often, you know!"

"Sorry!"

Oh the intense irony.

Note to self: Buy portable brick wall suitable for head-bashing purposes.

"So, they're coming to dinner huh?"

"Momiji said he couldn't wait until next weekend to come visit us again, isn't that sweet?"

"That's one word for it."

"Do you think it's rude of him to invite himself over like that?"

"No – well actually it is rude - but I don't really care what they do."

"Oh."

Tohru gave me one of those looks that generally means she has no idea what the hell is going on in my head, but would very much like to know. And I don't blame her, I wouldn't mind knowing myself sometimes. But right now I think my own thoughts are best left unexamined. Speaking of not thinking, I'm _really _late to class. Probably not worth going back, after all, if I don't turn up at all the teacher can't kill me.

Curious, I would imagine Tohru would be more concerned about that sort of thing, but she's still here.

"Tohru, do you realize how late for class you are?" I had expected some kind of shocked gasp and 'oh-no-how-could-I-have-done-such-an-autrocious-thing-as-be-late-for-class', but Tohru smiled serenely "Oh no, it's alright. I told the teacher I had to go get my friend who was hiding in a cupboard and she was really very understanding."

Oh. Of course.


End file.
